I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
