now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
