remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
