apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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