So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
