the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
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Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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