god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
