At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
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They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
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He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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