I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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