Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
