just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.