ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
