I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Gay?
German.
Pity.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
