I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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