she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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