I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
