It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
