Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize