sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
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I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Please don't give away my fajitas
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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