Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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