life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
