it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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