people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
