Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
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I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
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I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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