I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
