Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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