I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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