If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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