btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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