i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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