Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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