party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
