i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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