Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
