Dude my mom stole all your condoms
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
