apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
