Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
