Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
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