A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
