I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
