The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Farmville is her only friend.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
