my phone needs a breathalizer
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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