I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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