Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
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