It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
