I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
