I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
