apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He kissed a someone with a penis
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
