My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
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He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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