You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
