I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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