There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
