good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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