I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
