Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
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you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
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Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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