Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
