woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My breasts were aching with rage.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
