Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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