Four minutes until I can fart!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
