can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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