summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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